In 2003 I finally made the decision to stop working due to illness.
Having been a type-A driven person; working long hours as the Marketing/Development director of an arts related nonprofit organization and being a mom to two daughters, etc. I was stricken with Fibromyalgia, arthritis, chronic anemia and some other health challenges.
My hectic, busy life became a never-ending cycle of medical tests and doctor visits, chronic pain, fatigue and depression and anxiety.
At first I stubbornly denied the diagnoses and tried to “mind over matter” the problems. Pushing myself for a long time to work despite the pain and illness. Popping Vicadin and Oxycontin prescribed to help manage the pain and forcing myself to work no matter what. At a certain point, I finally had to admit defeat and quit the job and stop participating in the things I worked for, enjoyed and by which I had always identified my self.
After the unbelievable and daunting 3 year process of working to get my disability benefits (which is a subject that one has to experience to understand!) I was left with a blank screen, a scary emptiness. What now? Who am I now? How will I fill my days. What am I even able to do now? What makes my existence worthwhile? So many monumental questions and no energy or will to even consider what the answers might be.
Even now, I continue to struggle with these issues. I’ve come a long way, but it isn’t easy and I stumble a lot. Throughout these transitional times, the only thing that has brought me any sense of peace has been my interest in the arts and the process of creating something with my hands. Through a lot of counseling from myself and from professionals, a little light of opportunity flickered weakly in the distance. A small glimmer of something I had lost sight of in my pain and confusion...all the years of hectic work,career, marriage, divorce, single parenthood, re-marriage, etc. I vaguely remembered a mantra from my former life. I remembered list.crazy, busy times and thinking at that time “If only I had just a bit of time, I would love to have the time to sit with a cup of coffee and truly relax without screaming children, demanding bosses and a million things over-flowing my “to-do” list.
Wait a minute! Could I see a positive aspect to this desolate situation? Was there something I could do despite my limitations? You are a visual, creative person”, my counselor insisted. ‘Paint, sketch, write...do something to express what is going on with you!”
Slowly, I begin to dig through boxes,bins and drawers; dusting off books and other tools used to create various arts and crafts. For a long time I just placed some of these items around me as I rested in bed. I hoped inspiration and motivation would spring me into some sort of action. Anything would have helped me. I was mired in inertia. It seemed so difficult to move. I felt worthless and lacked confidence. I'll skip the details. Suffice it to say that it is still a battle sometimes. But finally I picked up a book and aimlesslt flipped through it and then another and another. Then a sketch pad; a paint box, a tapestry needle, beads to create jewelry and of course knitting needles.
I had never really advanced beyond the beginner level with knitting, mostly due to the lack of time in my former life. Guess what?! Now all I had was time! I still can't do long knitting sessions at one time, but I have found an incredible enthusiasm for the art form. I believe there is comfort in the earthiness of natural fibers, just as I enjoyed the organic pleasure of pottery making before my illness. Pottery was a bit too physically challenging for me anymore, but not so knitting. Thank heavens!
I became enthralled with knitting magazines, books,web sites and shops. My husband, pleased to see me spark to ANYTHING!, mapped out area shops for us to visit. I started simple but soon was wanting more intricate designs. The reintroduction of productive thought to my fuzzy brain slowly awakened my synapses and I saw things in color once again!
This my first entry. I hope others will share their experiences with change, knitting, art, illness and anything else that comes to mind, I would also appreciate any constructive criticism or critique.
Many thanks and remember no matter what happens, Knit Through It!!!
